Friday, June 19, 2009

Adventures with Jeff - BUGS!

Part 3 of my hopefully ongoing series on my friendship with Jeff brings us to his incredible phobia with regards to insects. He hated bugs...and eggs and tequila, but those are other stories.

Once, we had to go under our friend's raised cottage...literally raised on jacks. We had to jack up the cottage about six more inches. There was easily two dozen to do. I think Jeff lasted 5 minutes until a daddy long legs dropped onto his face. He watched from inside his car, armed with a can of raid.

On a particular nice June evening, Jeff, the Hottie, and I went to our local pub and decided to sit out on their second floor deck.

Beautiful evening, moon brightly shining, beer flowing, june bugs hovering around the patio lights, sounds of someone puking in the alley below...wonderful summer evening in Ottawa. Ah.

Anyhoo, I decided, for whatever strange reason, to order the fruit, cheese, and veggie platter instead of something recently killed, gutted, and grilled.

As the waitress handed me my platter, a red grape rolled off and landed onto the patio deck near my chair. About an hour later, after a few more beers, Jeff gave a start and swatted at a june bug that had flown in front of his face. He clipped it towards me and it landed on the deck. He asked if he killed the little bastard. I reached down and picked up the grape. Holding it 'twixt my thumb and forefingers I showed it to him and said "Nope, but I'll get it. Here!". With that, I squished the grape and let it's "guts" goop down over my fingers and onto the table. Then I licked my fingers.

Fortunately, we were overlooking the alleyway, because he never would have made it to the bathroom.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Adventures with Jeff - To the Gym!

My buddy Jeff and I joined a gym once and actually went regularly. Now, Jeff always biked a lot, and he has one of those sick metabolisms that allow him to eat a double order of fajitas and still be hungry...and yet not gain a freaking pound. Needless to say, he was the "in shape" one.

Now, we joined that particular gym because a friend (hot) of ours worked there. She was tall, long legged, and incredibly pretty (hot). Jeff had a thing for her...well, did I. But he saw her first, so the bro' code was in effect.

One evening, she (the Hottie) joined us in our workout. This was around the same time that both of us realized that the place was actually less a gym than it was a "meet market" (or is that a "meat market"...not sure). This became really obvious when the Macho Man, in a cut-off sweat shirt (no sleeves, bottom portion cut off up to the ribs), lycra shorts, and cheesie, neon-coloured running shoes, followed the Hottie around. Everytime she was on a machine, he was on the one next to her.

Jeff and I thought the look on her face was hysterical: rolling her eyes while scrunching her face up. What we didn't realize was that she was not only reacting to his constant attention, she was also reacting to his odour. We finally caught a whiff of it when she climbed into a leg lift machine next to us and he, of course, followed close behind, still attempting to engage her in conversation. The Macho Man had terrible BO mixed with some sort of cheap cologne. Like that sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit.

Out of the corner of her mouth, she whispered to us "Get this guy away from me!". I had just finished my final rep on a bench press and Jeff had just started, so I stood there talking to her in a flirty sort of way, hoping to make it clear to the Macho Man that she was interested in someone else. It seemed to work, as he shut up for a bit, while working on the leg press machine. There he was grunting away while doing less than half of the weights.

He finished his reps, and stood up to stretch, use the Hottie's machine to put his leg up. Once again, he began to flirt with her. I asked if he was finished with the leg press, and he studiously ignored me. I jumped onto it and started my reps...about the same time Jeff finished up and walked over to me.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, Jeff was the "in shape" one, but I always surprised him when it came to my leg strength. As an ex-competitive swimmer/lifeguard, I always had strong legs...but he was amazed that I could do full reps with all the weights on a leg press machine.

So I start my reps and make a big show, complete with a loud exclamation "Whoa! Man, this is too light. Just about overextended myself. Jeff, can you move the bar down to the bottom." Jeff and the Hottie laughed, and the Macho Man's face went a little pink as I started my reps.

He huffed over to the bench press machine, and when he struggled to lift the weight setting that Jeff and just done, Jeff walked over and asked him if he wanted it put on a lower setting. I laughed so hard, while pushing on the weights, that I farted.

Macho Man got up and stormed away.

His odour lingered for a good twenty minutes.