Thursday, November 25, 2004

Random Crap

So...weather forecasting. Is it any more respectable than reading cat entrails to predict someone's future? Two days ago...TWO DAYS...the Weather Network predicted that Thursday would be 9 DEGREES. It was -3. How the Christ can someone claim to be a meteorologist without smirking?

Sports predictions...some numbnuts in the Ottawa Citizen says that even though Indianapolis is 9 point favorites over Detroit, you should take the Lions to beat the spread. The Colts won 41 to 9. Manning threw for 6 touchdown passes, and 236 yards...and he came out of the game in the 3rd quarter! Oh yeah, nice prediction.

David Grimes from the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in Florida writes a humour column. On Sunday, he wrote an article entitled:
Disgruntled voters eye Canada, Moving to Canada: Big Mistake or Bad Idea?
He takes a few sorta funny potshots at Canada (we say "a boot" when we mean "about", that kind of stuff). Of course, the thin-skinned, who seem to have immediate access to anything that mentions Canada, wrote hateful emails to this guy (david.grimes@heraldtribune.com). Why? Why do some Canadians do this? Are they that insecure? Christ, the guy was making jokes. Get over it!

Two jokes:

A big investment bank recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the dining room for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss had left, the leader of
the cannibals asked the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed
anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"


Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. He replied, "A thought ... It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way ... It's just there. A Thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" Replied the interviewer. "And now you .... Sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm ... Let me see ... a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye .... That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch ... When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers ... It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea," Said the Newfie. "WHAT?!" said the interviewer ... Stunned by the response.

"Oh ... I can explain," Said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light ... I shit my pants. "

.... He got the job!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

NHL?

's funny. My family and I had dinner with some friends this evening. The husband, we'll call him Mike since that's his name, is a sports nut. Used to be into sports betting pretty heavily. He doesn't seem to miss the NHL all that much. In fact, he figures the lockout has saved him, and the company he works for, money.

I ask those around me every chance I get about whether or not they miss hockey. No one seems to.

In a recent article, sportswriter Jim Kernaghan writes that prior to the strike there were dire predictions about how Canadians would go through withdrawals. How tragic this would all be to our collective psyches. He also writes that all these predictions seemed to be totally wrong:

Well, guess what? Nobody cares. The only reaction produced among fandom, it seems, is no reaction.

The sun rose the day after the league's owners bolted the door and everyone -- even people in other spheres of hockey -- is simply getting on with their lives.

He continues,

Those of us raised in the Saturday night culture of hockey made some enormous assumptions as the lockout drew nigh.

There was a time when one's social life revolved around the televised game, when parties and everything else planned for the evening were put on hold until the final whistle. Well, guess what? There is evidence the hold that hockey was presumed to have had on the hearts and minds of Canadians might not have been as powerful as we all thought.

He goes on to divulge a closely guarded secret; one I think is not exclusive to hockey. Very few people watch a game in its entirety (on television). Most will tune in and out...channel surf to other games, or other shows. Others will tune in only if there is some sort of suspense (like me...I won't really watch an NFL game unless it's close. Otherwise, what's the point?).

Sports in general, and hockey specifically, have to learn a harsh lesson. MOST of us are smart enough not to make watching a sport the sole purpose in our lives....or even a driving force.

I care so little about professional sports of any kind, that I don't care that hockey is locked out. I don't care that the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers had a big brawl. I don't care that Barry Bonds may or may not have been using steroids. And why should I anyways?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Desperate Scandals

Years from now, if we are still here and not some radioactive dust floating in the grey winds, we will look back on the Bush Years and, quite probably (and hopefully) laugh. Not with him, but at him. His legacy will be a thing about which our children's children will ask "Did that REALLY happen, Grandpa?"...in that "Oh, right, Grandpa's spinning bullcrap again" tone of voice.

Look no further than two of the largest "scandals" to have hit the US in decades: the Janet-Jackson-baring-her-breast debacle AND the Monday Night Football's Desperate Housewives send-up. They show some woman's naked back and the lines at the FCC are lit up, and ABC has to issue an apology. If they had shown someone getting shot, would there have been that much of an issue raised? I think not.

Evangelism is the fastest growing "religion" in North America. If there is any group that is less tolerant than radical Muslims, it's this one.

Bush's legacy will be one of appeasement to these doorknobs from the uneducated States who, though physically a "majority" in their voting strength are CLEARLY the extreme minority in number of operative brain cells. We are talking about people who believe that the world was only created a few thousand years ago! I mean, fer crissakes! A FEW thousand years ago?!? And these are the people who set the course of the world for the next four years? A bunch of drooling, slaw-jacked yokels? I don't care what your definition of democracy is, but some people should not be allowed to vote.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Job Satisfaction...or not

At what point do you get so frustrated with your job that you just take that leap and get the hell out?

I mean, I need the job (it's not like I'm independently wealthy) and I am grateful to have one (I know many people who have struggled over the past couple of years after the hi-tech market took a nose-dive). But I can't stand working here anymore. Maybe it's the project I am working on (been on it for 2.5 years), and not the company per se. But still, since I have only EVER been on this project, that is my full perception of the company.

Coming to work in the morning is getting painful. I have to force myself to get up and go to work.

And it's not like there aren't any other opportunites either. There are some available, but most require working out of country for part of the week (one is fly to New Jersey on Sunday, and fly back on Thursday...all at the company's expense). Not a bad deal if you have no kids and can just pack up and go. I would miss my family too much. It pays well (really well), but not well enough to do that...and not when I have a job. It might be a different story if I had been out of work for a long period and this came up.

Anyways...how do you deal with it? Alcohol?