Sports predictions...some numbnuts in the Ottawa Citizen says that even though Indianapolis is 9 point favorites over Detroit, you should take the Lions to beat the spread. The Colts won 41 to 9. Manning threw for 6 touchdown passes, and 236 yards...and he came out of the game in the 3rd quarter! Oh yeah, nice prediction.
David Grimes from the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in Florida writes a humour column. On Sunday, he wrote an article entitled:
Disgruntled voters eye Canada, Moving to Canada: Big Mistake or Bad Idea?He takes a few sorta funny potshots at Canada (we say "a boot" when we mean "about", that kind of stuff). Of course, the thin-skinned, who seem to have immediate access to anything that mentions Canada, wrote hateful emails to this guy (firstname.lastname@example.org). Why? Why do some Canadians do this? Are they that insecure? Christ, the guy was making jokes. Get over it!
A big investment bank recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the dining room for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss had left, the leader of
the cannibals asked the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed
anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
"That's very good!" Replied the interviewer. "And now you .... Sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm ... Let me see ... a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye .... That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch ... When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers ... It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea," Said the Newfie. "WHAT?!" said the interviewer ... Stunned by the response.
"Oh ... I can explain," Said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light ... I shit my pants. "
.... He got the job!