Monday, January 16, 2006

Exciting announcement - Lost Twilight Zone episode

Scene opens: Corel Centre - press room.

Officious Announcer Type Voice: "Please welcome Scotiabank chief executive officer Rick Waugh who has an important announcement to make!"

...Excited clapping from the media types and executives from the NHL's Ottawa Senators, as well as assorted Marketing people. Cameras clicking. Eager reporters thrusting microphones forward to catch every syllable of this important announcement...

Rick Waugh:
"Today, Scotiabank enters into a bold, new, and exciting partnership with the Ottawa Senators! Scotiabank has had a presence in the Ottawa area for more than a century and we're very committed to this community. Scotiabank Place will continue to be the home of an exceptional hockey club, while also providing a full range of exciting entertainment options for people who live in and visit this vibrant
region."

...Pause. Blank stares from the media types. Nervous grins from the Senators' Executives. Wild clapping and vacuous grins from the Marketing people. Roy Mlakar, Senators president and chief executive officer approaches the microphone...

Roy Mlakar:
"As we opened the Palladium, which soon became the Corel Centre, 10 years ago this month, we gave the National Capital Region one of the finest world-class venues in North America, setting a standard for sport and entertainment facilities around the world. As the first financial institution to lend its name to a major venue in Canada, Scotiabank continues to show itself as a leader in business and a leader in community outreach programs."

...Even blanker media stares. Someone coughs. Clapping from the Marketing people. Other Senators executives are staring at their feet and shuffling nervously...

Finally, one the media types finds his voice:
"Er. Scotiabank Place? Scotiabank Place? That's the best you could come up with?"

...Barb Mason, Scotiabank executive vice-president, marketing rushes to the podium...

Barb Mason:
"Today's announcement is part of our ongoing partnership with the Ottawa Senators that extends beyond the ice. In the coming weeks, we will be launching the Scotiabank Senators Savings Club for youth at our Scotiabank branches, encouraging youth under the age of 19 to learn the benefits of managing money. We are partners with the Scotiabank Read to Succeed primary-school literacy program and Roger's House -- a pediatric palliative-care facility that is set to open early in 2006. We supported the Walk, Roll & Run for Roger event in September that saw Team Scotiabank raise $25,000 for the cause. Scotiabank is also a key sponsor of the Ernst and Young Ice and Dice fundraiser, featuring Senators players and coaches. This event will benefit the Gatineau Hospital Foundation and Ottawa Senators Foundation."

Media Type:

"I don't give a rat's ass what kind of charitable works you will be doing in conjunction with the Ottawa Senators. That's all well and good. But what dipshit came up with such an incredibly fucking dull name like "Scotiabank Place"? I mean, fer shitsakes...SCOTIABANK PLACE!?! My two year old could come up with a better name than that!"

...Laughter and nods of agreement from the media types. Uncomfortable looks from the executives from the Senators and Scotiabank. Blank, vacuous smiles from the marketing people...

Rod Serling's voice:
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call "The Twilight Zone"