Friday, September 07, 2007

Men and women

Venomous Kate, over at Electric Venom, recently wrote a post entitled "If You Could Read My Mind..." in which she asked if you really would want to be able to read someone's mind. I responded:

Are you kidding? Every married man is expected to already have this ability! The expectation that we do would explain SOOOO much. I would love to be able to read the minds of women. No more guessing, no more confusion. Peace on Earth!

To which she took exception:
I object. I assure you that I am QUITE vocal about what I want, how I want it done, when I want it, and how freaking happy my husband should be whilst doing whatever it is that I want.

Do I get credit for not expecting him to read my mind? Do I get points for actually using Mr. Lips and Mr. Tongue to tell him what I want?

Hell no. I get called a “nag”.

Someone once sent me a list of "rules" for women, from men. I though it apropos (NOTE: The following opinions are not necessarily those of management, and besides, they are meant to be humorous.)

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you
    leaving it down.
  2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
    the perfect present yet again!
  3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
  4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
  6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  7. Crying is blackmail.
  8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
  1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
  2. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  3. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  5. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  6. Check your oil! Please.
  7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  8. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  9. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
  10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
  11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  15. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
  16. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  18. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
  19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, baseball, the shotgun formation, golf, or monster trucks.
  23. You have enough clothes.
  24. You have too many shoes.
  25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
  26. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
  27. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  28. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
  29. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Here it is, ladies:
the secret to a happy marriage and getting your husband to do what
you want.

Ask him.